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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26016982">will you answer me?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/drqco/pseuds/drqco'>drqco</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religious Guilt, Weddings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:41:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,270</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26016982</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/drqco/pseuds/drqco</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>only you, when the sun and moon and stars are gone, what's left is only you. </p><p>will you answer me? answer me.</p><p>or: sonny’s been in a state of panic for the last hour, pacing around his room, trying to calm himself down. he’s about to get married, on a perfect sunny day in june. the cathedral was perfect, everything was rehearsed down to a t, his family was here, his friends, it was perfect. it should be. </p><p>so why does he feel like it isn’t?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>will you answer me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>pure angst babey !! 😌</p><p>title/summary is from answer me from the band's visit :) it's a very pretty song. </p><p>follow me on twit: @SAPPHICTAMIN </p><p>enjoy :P</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>sonny’s been in a state of panic for the last hour, pacing around his room, trying to calm himself down. he’s about to get married, on a perfect sunny day in june. the cathedral was perfect, everything was rehearsed down to a t, his family was here, his friends, it was perfect. it should be. </p><p>so why does he feel like it isn’t? </p><p>sonny sits down on his childhood bed, grasping his sheets. he’s been hiding here before the wedding, he refuses to let anyone in until he calms himself. it’s his happy place, the old mets posters and baseball trophies bringing him comfort. a crucifix hangs above the doorway, like in every doorway in his childhood home. it felt like jesus himself was staring into him, boring into his soul. </p><p>he takes a deep breath as he crouches down, looking for a box he kept under his bed. he figured it might help calm him, looking at it. he kept his secret things in there, notes, his journal from high school. his life was about to change in a few hours, why not look back? </p><p>sonny pushes his hair back as he opens the box, staring at his journal. he forgot what he put there, when he was young. nevertheless, sonny grabs it and opens it to a random page. </p><p>[journal sonny, </p><p>i’m so confused. </p><p>baseball was great today, but i forgot how… weird (?) my friends are. all they do is talk about girls, about jenny or mariana or lacie or bonnie or sunny (to be fair, i like sunny. she’s real nice.) or kaitlin. i’m supposed to like girls, right? so why don’t i? i don’t find any girls attractive. sure, they’re all pretty. nice. lacie’s captain of the softball team. i just… wouldn’t date them. God, but why don’t i? </p><p>i really like mateo benetti. he’s crazy smart. he has curls that look so long, god, and he’s always so funny and kind to me. i hate feeling this way, because i shouldn’t. it’s a sin, isn’t it? i don’t want to go to hell. i’ll tell father michael about this, he’ll absolve me. maybe i just… really hate benetti. i’m so confused. i hope i don’t feel this way when i’m older. </p><p>- sonny] </p><p>sonny reads it over and slams his journal shut, stuffing it back into his box. his breathing heightens again, the panic bubbles in his chest, the feeling of “this is so wrong” flowing in him. in a few moments, tears are flowing down his cheeks and it takes all his strength not to pull his hair or fuck up the suit. </p><p>“sonny?” someone knocks softly against his door. he gulps, looking up and throwing the journal and box back under his bed, failing his attempt at calming down. he recognizes the voice as rafael’s. rafael. </p><p>“come in,” he chokes out, and rafael opens the door. he’s standing in a beautiful suit, with some flowers in his breast pocket. he looks at him with soft eyes, closing the door behind him. rafael moves to sit next to him, rubbing his back. “are you okay?” rafael asks gently, getting sonny to look at the other man. sonny rubs his eyes, shakes his head, leans into him a little. </p><p>“am i doing something wrong, rafael?” sonny whispers, staring back into the ground. his heart beats loudly as he waits for rafael’s answers. “do you think you are?”</p><p>“i have no fucking clue,” sonny snickers, burying his head in his arms. even if he was, it’s too late now. he’s hours away from getting married, they’ve spent so much money on this wedding, sonny can’t back out. he can’t. rafael lets out a breath next to him, a sigh. rafael’s presence was comforting, like a hug. but whenever he stares at rafael, he thinks of a life he wants. </p><p>he imagines a life with rafael sometimes, with just the two of them. in his fantasies, everyone else falls away and he and rafael are the only ones left. he wouldn’t mind. they’d have a little house together when they retire, sonny would like some kids, too. they would spend their nights together, tangled up together, safe and warm under the sheets. and sonny wouldn’t be living a lie. he’s in love with rafael, with every bit of him. he just—couldn’t have this. </p><p>“this is going to sound selfish, sonny, but, when’s a better time to tell you than a few hours before your wedding, right?” rafael pauses, as if waiting for his permission. sonny’s heart flips in his chest, before nodding at him. “i love you. i’m in love with you, sonny. shit,” rafael’s eyes tear up, his lip wobbles, he looked so vulnerable here, and sonny held his heart in his hands. </p><p>with those words, sonny’s world flips, tumbles, shakes. the life he imagines suddenly seems so close, like he could have it. almost every bit of him is telling him to follow the life he imagines, settle with rafael, the man he actually loves. but there’s the last bit of him, the bit that’s telling him to please his family, be the good catholic his family wants, not fuck up the rest of his life by marrying a man, according to his family. </p><p>he decides, right there and then.</p><p>the moment he looks rafael in the eyes, he leans over, pressing his lips against rafael’s. they’re everything he’s dreamed and fantasized, but that’s just what they were. a fantasy of a life he could never have. </p><p>they’re warm, welcoming. rafael tastes like whiskey, warmth, he’s the feeling of opening a new book, new suits. hugs at the end of a long work day. delicious food when you’re hungry, cold water when you’re parched. kisses that melt into embraces. embraces that turn into promises. days spent under the covers, or days that were filled with energy. he’s a kiss to wound, sun against the skin, rain against the window. rafael barba is everything and nothing at the same time, as if schrödinger’s cat was actually a middle-aged, soft, cuban man. and by god, rafael was so intoxicating, he wishes he would never let go. </p><p>he does, eventually. </p><p>with one more glance at rafael’s blissful face, he pushes everything down. it was the only thing he could do. </p><p>—</p><p>sonny’s forgone the wedding reception. it had taken him all his energy to not cry during the wedding itself, not when rafael was staring at him from the church pews. he could barely handle this reception.</p><p>it was being held in an open plaza near the cathedral, which led into a forest. it was pretty, decorated with white and fairy lights, photos of him and his wife scattered around. there were so many people, given the fact that they were both italian. but sonny’s standing off by himself, looking out into the forest, behind some trees. it’s quiet here, different from the loudness of their families. he savors this moment of peace before the storm. </p><p>“sonny?”</p><p>footsteps become louder until it’s all sonny hears. the familiar voice wafts into his ears once again, reminding him of the kiss they shared a merely hours ago. so many things have changed, since then. </p><p>he lets rafael stand next to them, and the two of them lean against the tree, hidden away from everyone else. the party goes on, as if it didn’t need sonny. if only. </p><p>the stars shine above them, accompanied by the moon, full and bright. everything feels hazy, like a dream, one that he wanted to wake up from so badly. but sonny’s a grown man, he knows what he’s subjected himself too. would this save him from pain? maybe, hopefully. he’s taken the cowardly choice, but what the hell could he do? he needs to make peace with his decision. but he doesn’t think he ever will. </p><p>“raf,” he replies quietly, not daring to look up at the man. if he did, he’d do something so reckless, again. “the wedding was beautiful. she’s beautiful,” rafael tells him. sonny scoffs, looking everywhere except rafael. he caught a glance at the man, his hair was swept back, a little messier now. his tie a bit askew, face more relaxed. handsome, mesmerizing, under the moonlight. </p><p>“but you? holy shit, stole the show with that suit of yours,” rafael adds, letting out a small laugh. sonny closes his eyes and bangs his head against the tree. there’s a kind of sadness that settles in his bones, a kind that he knows will not leave him. longing, yearning. </p><p>“you were stunning, dominick,” the use of his real name causes sonny to look at rafael. in the darkness, he can tell that he has a sad expression, eyes shining with tears. he leans so he faces sonny, and the two of them are so close their breaths mingle. sonny closes his eyes, and asks, “what are you doing, rafael?"</p><p>“trying to convince a young, newly married man to run away with me?” rafael lets out a small laugh. rafael’s hands find their way to his own, squeezing them. sonny squeezes back. “i’d give all of this up for you.”</p><p>“but?” rafael continues, in an almost teasing tone. it soothes sonny, just a little bit. he runs his thumb against rafael’s hand that he was still holding. this was dangerous, the way they were standing so close. if anyone saw them, they were both fucked. but this was sonny’s last chance. they both knew. “you know i can’t.”</p><p>rafael scoffs, but nods, looking down at their hands. sonny takes rafael in, breathes in his scent of coffee and home, his figure under this light, this quiet moment they share. they share a feeling of longing, yearning, chances not taken—rather, too late. he’ll never get this moment again, sonny knows. rafael was leaving soon—teaching position at harvard. the man will be long gone, and sonny will be left, picking up the pieces of the life he didn’t want. is he selfish for going through? putting his wife through this? </p><p>what other decision did he have? </p><p>“some of us don’t get the life we want, raf. but that doesn’t mean we don’t want it,” sonny says, shakily. </p><p>it’s the button for their musical, the last line of their story, the ending of what they had between them. their parting, a goodbye. it feels heavy for sonny, letting go of someone he’s wanted since the beginning. rafael nods, closing his eyes. sonny straightens himself out, moving to rest his hand against rafael’s cheek, wiping away the tears that had fallen. rafael wipes sonny’s away too, in sync. god, they were perfect for each other. soulmates. </p><p>hopefully, in another life, another sonny gets to have his life with his rafael. </p><p>“sonny! where are ya? cake!” bella’s voice cuts through their moment, bringing them back to reality. their little bubble—popped. gone. </p><p>the two of them let out a little laugh, wiping their tears more frantically, trying to look like they just had a small conversation—not confessions of what could’ve been. </p><p>“comin’, bella!” he calls out, staten island accent blaring through. rafael pats his shoulder, holds it for a bit longer, and starts to walk away. the life sonny wanted—gone forever. </p><p>—</p><p>sonny gulps, pacing around his living room. his son, desi, or desiderio crawls around, playing with his toy trucks. the little boy was a curious kid, just like his mother. </p><p>it was only he and desi now. his mother had passed away five years ago, around the time desi was born. complications with birth, the doctors said. but it was peaceful, and she wasn’t in pain. grief overtook him for a while, they were already married for five years. sure, was it the life he wanted? no, but he still loved her, enea, because, how could he not?</p><p>she had secrets of her own, anyway. one by the name of sarah, sonny found out. at the funeral, he caught sight of her, at the very end. a woman with fiery red hair, really short. the opposite of enea. </p><p>they both lived a lie.</p><p>but he’s gotten over it, he’s raised desi all on his own. between juggling being an ada and having a son, his life was crazy. he managed, just as he always does. </p><p>his phone lies still on his coffee table, for the last two hours he’d been making up the courage to make a phone call. technically, he’d been trying to for the last three years, but every time he’d try, he just couldn’t. was there going to be someone at the end of the line for him? </p><p>“ah, fuck,” he whispers quietly, just for himself, so desi wouldn’t start picking it up. anxiety boils in his belly, but he reaches over and takes the phone. </p><p>“harvard law, how can i assist you?”</p><p>“i’d like to speak with professor barba. uh, i’m an old friend.”</p><p>“of course, i’m putting you through right now.”</p><p>the line goes silent, and sonny’s heart is beating in his chest. it’s as if the whole world stops, even desi sits still. </p><p>“professor barba,” rafael’s voice sounds the same. gruffer, a bit rougher, sure, but it brings him the same warmth in his chest. for a second, he considers ending the call, considering it’s been a decade since they’ve last spoken to each other. sonny couldn’t bring himself to talk to him, not even after his wife’s death. rafael probably sent him a condolence message somewhere, but he didn’t read it. he couldn’t. “hello?” rafael asks, sounding a bit more impatient. sonny takes a breath. </p><p>“rafa?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the “some of us don’t get the life we want. but that doesn’t mean we don’t want it." line is taken directly from s2 of the umbrella academy !!! sissy says this to vanya--it just really fit here.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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